Curating your village

You’re pregnant. You have family and friends. They all want to help. But do they know how? Every Mother is different and so the support she needs is different and the only person who can figure out what support you need, is you. 

But you’ve never been pregnant before or had a baby so how do you know what you’ll need? Before you go down a rabbit hole on the internet trying to answer this question, let me share with you what helped me and offer a guide that can help you discover what your unique needs are. 

What I received emotionally that helped:

• My husband’s presence. Even if he wasn’t there the entire time, when he was there he was able to calm me down with words of affirmation, encouragement and sometimes assuring me that it is my parents who are the crazy ones. 
• Respect of my boundaries. I appreciated that when I asked everyone in my life to give me space, they did. Some people like to have visitors postpartum but I am not one of them. 

What I received practically that helped:

• Meals in a throw away container. This is key. I have had parents try to “help” with meals by bringing over ingredients and cooking in my house. This is a big Nono. If you cannot bring food that is ready to heat and eat in a disposable container, do not bring food at all. 
• Water. I was constantly thirsty and I appreciated anytime someone brought me water
• Laundry help
• Kitchen cleaning help
• Doing fun activities with the older kids

The three things people think are helpful but are sometimes the opposite:

• Holding the baby- Holding my baby is my absolute favorite part. When someone asks to hold my baby, I only accept if my baby is screaming and inconsolable. Then and only then may you hold my baby. 
• Staying over. If you have family from out of town you might consider having them stay with you. Consider this very carefully. Even the best of house guests whom you love and adore may make your postpartum life unnecessarily stressful. Let them know in advance that if you need them to leave they should give you the space to do that.
• Unsolicited advice. 

As you move forward setting boundaries with family and friends, understand that it is easy for people to accept your boundaries as you are placing them but when you try to enforce them, there may be a fight. Be sure your significant other is there to support you.

So how do you know what you will need?

This is a light read and a comprehensive guide to the motherhood journey. It was also written by a dear friend of mine, Kristin Revere who owns a Doula practice in West Michigan. I have used her doula services with all of my births and learned so much from Kristen as a customer, a business owner and a friend. If you are in the market for a good read on how to get support for your pregnancy and birth, please give this a read!